Phil Din

Phil Redmond was on BBC News 24 earlier, droning on about his plans to "save" Liverpool's Capital of Culture celebrations. Unsurprisingly, the moment his grey, squashed face appeared on camera, Redmond sucked all life out of proceedings, leaving his interviewer battling to salvage even a dash of audible usefulness from the encounter.

The gist of his intentions, however, seemed to be:

- a touring revival of Brookside, utilising a flatbed truck to visit some of Merseyside's most deprived areas in an attempt to use cultural enlightenment to help those needing new drains and central heating. Starring Dean Sullivan.

- an open mike session staged in Liverpool's "heart" (Brookside Close), compered by Dean Sullivan, giving locals the chance to sound off to nobody in particular about petty grievances and smug prejudices.

- a new musical, 'Why Liverpool Is Da Boss', penned by Phil Redmond, re-telling some of the city's so-called "finest moments"in story and song, featuring Dean Sullivan, Louis Emerick and Claire Sweeney.

- 'How Brookside Saved Britain': a series of seminars chaired by Phil Redmond, in front of an invited audience (no questions allowed), with special guest speaker Dean Sullivan.

- 'Why Grange Hill Was Set In Liverpool All Along': a journey round various local landmarks, as seen in recent series of the increasingly unpopular children's series, designed to prove that the nation's once-favourite comprehensive was never set in north London at all. Tour guide: Dean Sullivan.

- 'Capital Culture-l Elites (sic)' A keynote address by Phil Redmond, arguing that the Houses of Parliament, the Olympics, the British Library, HMS Belfast, the London Marathon, the Tour de France, the Melbourne Cup and the annual 10km Brazil fun run should all be held in Liverpool. Includes a specially filmed testimony by Dean Sullivan entitled 'Hey Jimmy'.